The Rock Report

The heady days of summer are winding down. And with them the dreaded summer TV shows. Summer TV is Dead! Long live Summer TV! Entourage may be done, but Rockstar Supernova is alive and kicking! For a couple more weeks anyway.

That’s right readers, you’ve begged, you’ve pleaded, you’ve given me ideas I can use as my own… So now, with a mere 5 rockers left, I present you with: The Rock Report.

WAIT!!

Before I go there, I gotta know: is anybody under 50 watching Celebrity Duets? Aside from me? What?! It’s summer TV. It’s cheesy TV. It’s face-lift central. And it’s completely hilarious. In a B/C-list kinda way. Marie Osmond’s a judge! And she told someone he was too white! Little Richard’s a judge tooo! And he told someone she was so good that, and I quote, “My big toe just went through my boot”. And Cheech is on it. And Kenny Loggins will be appearing. What more do you need?

OK back to the rockers. Look, for better or worse, it’s no Idol. But I’m completely addicted. Confession: I didn’t tune into last year’s INXS version. I wanted to, swear! But my Man banned all reality shows from our summer schedule and I complied. Meanwhile, he secretly tuned in and loved it. So this year, after much cajolling from my fellow TV hounds ‘n whores, I jumped on the bandwagon. And I’m in in in!

And now that Art School Confidential is no longer a dark horse; now that he’s taken his faux-tense stare and gone back to NY with a less-than-gracious “see you on the charts” as his parting words; now that all that and the lame-ass, ain’t no-Roger-Daltry-mic-swinging has finally stopped; now,at last, we can concentrate on the final five.

Generous thanks must go out to my gal who has been a source of all things Supernova since the show began. Hucking me to watch, berating me for missing last year’s, and providing me with ammo, lingo, and astute opinions.

Let’s start with Magni, the white Will Smith. What? You don’t see it? Look again. Strange cross-cultural refs aside, here’s what you need to know about Magni: he’s the solid guy. The nice guy. The family man. Sure, he’s good. But he’s a bit of a bore, no? And can the boys in the band mold him into their own little walking, talking puppet?

….like Toby? Evs from Oz is a total keener. And, from the looks of it, relies on his mimicry to get by. And yet…the dudes LOVE him? Why why why? The laddish lout makes a big song and dance about being the go-to-party-card. Is this a good thing? Or will it blow up in his face?

…Like Dilana’s cockyness? Personally, I see little difference betwen this very dirty girl (literally, dirty. Somebody wash her.) and those little trolls that go on top of pencils. The ones with the neon pink hair… That’s Dilana. A talent, to be sure. But such a screamer! So unappealing. And may I steal a certain someone’s twist on T.Lee’s words? ‘Cuz I’m going to: Dilana, I don’t wanna!

…Storm’s another story altogether. I think I have a bit of a straight girl crush on her. OK, I know I do. She’s got the pipes, she’s got the looks, she’s got the moves. And she’s so so so not right for them. But I love her. So she should live and be well and make it ’til the end. Even tho’ I know she won’t.

…Unlike Lukas! Yep, our local boy is really the bomb. Talk about stage presence. The boy can blow (not that way dirtbags) and he’s pretty incredible. But after watching him with the band last night, I gotta say, I think he’s too good for them. I do! So I kinda hope he’s there til the end so we can watch him strut his stuff, but that he doesn’t win, if for no other reason than this: he can do better.

I know, I know, they’re the big shot rockstars. Whatever. He’s a kid. Untapped. Rarin’ to go. And the Supernova Sound…is it just me, or is that the worst part of the elimination show? With a hey hey hey and a ho ho ho? Umm, yeah ok guys, reeeeeally scary intense rock there. Whatev.

It’s not too late to hop on board and tune in. Really, if you haven’t already, you should. Not just to see Tommy Lee being an ass. Not just to hear Jason Newstead pay forward his own therapy sessions. Not just to realize that Gilby Clark, whoever the hell he is, looks like Val Kilmer and that, with some strategic scrubbing, he might be kind of attractive. And not just to see for yourself if I’m right in saying that Dave Navarro looks like Prince. No, you should tune in because Rockstar Supernova, well, rocks.

And it’s on thrice weekly.

Yep, Mondays at the Manse. Tuesdays they perform. And Wednesday’s child goes home.

Look, the fall lineup is still a few more weeks away, so why the hell not?